jumpsuit.
Night in NY
photo by Lucien Clergue, Nus de la Ville series; 1977
I’m not so foolish. I’m not so confused.
I’m keenly aware of this flesh, of these years, of this time and that distance and all the empty silence.
I do want more and I do dream deep, I don’t pretend immunity to loneliness nor plead ignorance to expectation. But I am not defined by what I do not have, and I do not grant value based upon the company I keep.
Who I am is what I do, and what I do is because of who I am - no more, no less, no doubts nor regrets.
I am alone and I can feel lonely, but I am not only that - I am sometimes weak but capable of such strength, I have a heart now riddled with rust but forged from love that has no ruin. I have warmth and will and this body purpose built to never know the meaning of enough.
I will have a partner, though I know not name, nor face, nor future. All is worth the wait. All is worth this weight.
(via distant-signals)
THESE KIDS ARE SO POETIC…URGGGGGGGGH
I blame finals for my previous typed post. 12 straight hours of working on a damn study guide will leave a man mentally exhausted.
I AINT SO EMO NOW, BUT I WILL TONIGHT THOUGH.
There are numerous times when I am reminded of her. It is followed by the sudden recollection of her beauty, laughter, voice, and smile.
A simple text or email from her makes me nervous. I begin to ponder as to how to reply back. This goes on for a few minutes. I wonder if she’s thinking about me.
That feeling of ecstasy is quickly dispersed, as I am reminded of the feeling of heartbreak and disappointment:
There is this sensation that runs through my body. It feels as if ice water is coursing through my veins. My hands feel numb for a bit and there is this unusual feeling in my chest. Finally, the lump in my throat.
In many cases, it is followed by a sudden outburst of tears.
The following sentence starts to repeat itself in my mind, “She has a boyfriend. Of course she’s not thinking of you. She does not care for you as she does for him”.
There are times where I want to confess my feelings for her, but I quickly realize that I will only compromise this friendship we have formed. It will only cause confusion and quite possibly anger her.
I have gotten pretty good at hiding my feelings and at holding back my desire for her. The downside to all this is that it is slowly killing me inside. It is beginning to negatively affect everyone and everything around me in an indirect manner.
It is ironic that I am majoring in Psychology. I’ve learned so much about depression, negative cognition, trauma, and repressed memories. Yet, I can’t seem to find the right solution to this.
I want to be with her, but I can’t. There’s nothing I can do.
It is the worst feeling in the world.
